SBG founder ages

Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens has turned 37 years old today and insists that this website have no blog posts about that fact, and this post may get certain staff members fired.

"Look," Stevens said, "I can think of nothing more egotistical than writing about my birthday. That is totally unimportant to the Snooze Button Generation. If you do a post on that, you will be fired."

Before Stevens said those words, he talked about an array of subjects, including the planet Jupiter, Whoppers and something called "birthday insomnia."

"You explain to me why I can't sleep!?" he demanded. "It's gotta be the birthday. Did I sleep the day before I was born? There's no chance of that."

Stevens' words were pensive, yet practical, when describing the significance of turning 37. He talked about personal subjects, including his children, love and death.He also talked about the Cleveland Browns, point spreads and luck. He often switched conversations from personal subjects to pop-culture subjects and wondered aloud if somehow the two were connected.

When asked if he had any major point to make about turning 37, he said this: "Believing in an afterlife is self-deceit. So each year, there's a bittersweet feeling about getting closer to chest-bumping the grim reaper. But y'know what? If you know what you're doing, each year gets better, and a birthday is a cause for celebration."

Stevens' comments spurred a debate among the SBG staff. As the staff argued about the merits of an afterlife for human beings, he drank champagne in the corner of the room.

Finally, after a lot of arguing and champagne, Stevens said, "Cherish the relationships you hold dear to yourself. Sophie, Chloe, XMan, mom, Michael Scott, Meathooks and Sophistication - I love you all and more."

Breaking news: Patricia Arquette has fangs

Actress Patricia Arquette has fangs, the Snooze Button Generation has learned through anecdotal evidence and extensive Internet research.

The SBG noticed the fangs during a viewing of the 1993 film "True Romance," then confirmed the fangs through google images. Strangely, only about 2 percent of her images show Arquette's teeth.

"We take great pride in our scoops," Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens said. "Our staff did an excellent job with this one. I'm surprised Arquette smiles so much with her mouth closed. Fangs are something to be proud of."

Arquette comes from a showbiz family that includes Rosanna Arquette, David Arquette and transvestite Alexis Arquette. Patricia Arquette is the most successful of the family because of her fangs.The top three movies of any of the Arquettes are "Pulp Fiction," "Desperately Seeking Susan" and "True Romance." Rosanna was in the first two of that list, but Patricia was in "True Romance," her tour de force.

I love the title "True Romance." Hey, man, I'm not sure what true romance exactly entails, but replacing "I love you" with "You're so cool" and having that xylophoney music from Hans Zimmer is a great start.

Joey the Polack to replace Jimmy the Greek

I keep telling myself I need to wear a medallion. If I only donned one, I would finally feel "complete" and then be the country's foremost expert on gambling - like Jimmy the Greek.

For approximately 22 years, the United States has felt a horrible void because of the loss of Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder. First, he was fired from CBS in 1988 for racist comments, then he died in 1996 from a heart attack.

My daughter Sophie and I are attempting to replace Siskel & Ebert as the country's foremost movie critics. While I am at it, I am going to replace Jimmy the Greek as the nation's top gambling expert and be called "Joey the Polack."

Gambling, of course, is a mega-billion-dollar industry in the U.S., and football is the most bet upon sport in the U.S. Approximately 30 million Americans play fantasy football, and one of six Americans participate in sports gambling, according to my Internet research.

Football season is underway, and I have three tips for NFL bettors.
1) Never under any circumstance bet on the Raiders, Browns or Lions.
2) Try to bet against the popular teams - Cowboys, Steelers, Packers, Patriots and Colts.
3) Pick teams with good defenses. With the proliferation of fantasy football, bettors tend to bet on offenses. It's better to put your money on defenses.

These tips, I believe, are 100 percent valid. However, I am not wearing a medallion to back it up, but soon I will have one like the hip-hop sensation T-Pain.Despite my memories of Jimmy the Greek and his medallion, I was unable to find a picture o him wearing one. I am pretty sure he sported one, though.

The Greek made major news when he made racist comments and was fired. Here were some of those racist words:

"The black is a better athlete to begin with because he's been bred to be that way — because of his high thighs and big thighs that goes up into his back, and they can jump higher and run faster because of their bigger thighs. This goes back all the way to the Civil War when during the slave trading, the owner — the slave owner - would breed his big black to his big woman so that he could have a big black kid."

Yikes. As a Polack, I do not believe I am racist. However, I likely will subconsciously lean toward teams with white socks.

I love college life!

As I nervously walked across the quad, emotions enveloped me, and I thought: "I did it. I made it to college!"

It had been a dream of mine - and my family - for me to attend college, and this week, I started my college career. I already feel in the groove, am happy I made it and am experiencing a swirl of emotions. Ultimately, I guess I'm a little homesick.

Technically, the name of my college is Cerritos High School, and I am a teacher there. But in my heart, I feel that the name of my college is Cambridge University, I'm in England and I'm adjusting to college life.

Luckily, I had a positive schooling experience the last few years with an awesome graduation and prom to feel prepared for college. However, I still feel like "the new kid in school," kind of like Kevin Bacon's character in "Footlose." Because of this, I am contemplating using mousse in my hair.

My goals for college are to grow as a person, get good marks and have fun, though I don't want to party so much that my grades suffer.Facing a school of about 2,300 students, I sometimes feel like just a number. Of those 2,300, approximately 100 share my education major (for some odd reason, a lot of the other students refer to us as "teachers," and I can't figure out why).

Perhaps the biggest difference between last year and this year for me is the age of the other students. Of the 100 in my major, the vast majority are older than me.

In fact, on Day 1, we did some type of camaraderie exercise in which I sat next to ladies much older than me. Part of our exercise was to come up with a team name for the older ladies and me. Because nobody said anything during an awkward silence, I suggested our team name be "The Cougars." I am uncertain why, but the older ladies did not like that name.

Michael Scott is getting married

When one has celebrities in his family, that person does not like to talk about them. I find it tacky to brag about my famous relatives because they're really just regular people who happen to be well-known.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize there is no harm in trumpeting one's celebrity relatives if they're deserving of recognition. Therefore, I want to say I am proud of my brother, Michael Scott, who got engaged to his cool and stylish girlfriend Judi this past weekend.

Technically, my brother's name is Fred Stevens, but he has developed a genius brand of humor reminiscent of "The Office" boss, Michael Scott. During his stay in Southern California, his life has been filled with quirks, madness and romance. Just like Michael Scott, he spreads love to all those he meets with a dash of cornball and puns.

During his visit to California, I have witnessed a successful mix of quips and obvious puns. After a trip to the Long Beach Aquarium of the Pacific, I particularly enjoyed his exchange with a parking attendant in which he explained how happy the fish were to see him.That rip-roaring visit to the aquarium was exceptionally hilarious. Two of my favorite moments displaying my brother's humor were when he heckled sea otters and had approximately six people take various photos of him and Judi. I also enjoyed how he somehow used my mother's aquarium pass with her photo on it for admittance.

When I heard that he proposed to Judi in Big Sur, I was extremely happy for the duo. Marriage can be beautiful. However, it can be hard. That's what she said.

My new passion: Extreme ironing

The reason I don't like extreme sports is simple: The guys who are participate are douche bags.

Some might say my extreme-sports judgment is a stereotype, but I don't think so. If I have to qualify my statement, I will say this, "Many guys who participate in extreme sports either look like douche bags or act like douche bags."

With that said, I have finally stumbled upon a cool extreme sport - extreme ironing. Part of the reason I like extreme ironing is because I try to avoid regular ironing. To me, ironing is similar to smoking. It's outdated and unnecessary to be cool.

Extreme ironing takes the presser to difficult locations to iron. For me, I one day envision ironing as a waterfall pelts my head.Though extreme ironing appears a bit goofy, it does bring up major ironing issues. As a sophisticated gentleman, I must wear ironed shirts every so often. However, I avoid shirts that must be ironed as my everyday clothes. I also prefer cotton blends that don't wrinkle too much.

I remember seeing photos from the 1950s with all the fans dressed formally.Those days are long gone, and while I do like well-dressed folks, I always feel like "what the heck am I doing?" when I find myself ironing. I don't think I would have that feeling under a waterfall.