How to procrastinate properly

A lot of my students come up to me and ask, "Mr. Stevens, can you teach me how to procrastinate?"

I'll indulge these whippersnappers, but I must say that procrastination is a skill that needs to be practiced and honed. It takes a lifetime to master, and, quite frankly, I still learn a lot about procrastination each day.

So instead of asking to be taught, maybe students should ask: "How do I learn to procrastinate?" 

Well, as a teacher, I'm only the crossing guard. Students need buy-in. They need to see the importance of procrastination and walk through the crosswalk. Y'know, it's more about what they learn as opposed to what I teach.

Right off the bat, if students don't look at their phone as soon as they get a notification, that's a problem. They also should have multiple social-media apps on the phone. TikTok and Insta are good for starters, but have as many as you can find. Hey, downloads are free. Twitter? Reddit? Why not? And just scroll through those apps as much as possible.

Colorful games are good, too, for dopamine rushes. You can never have enough dopamine. You won't get dulled to it, so the more games you play, like Clash Royale or Funky Blast or Mario Mustache, the better. Do not stop looking at the phone while walking down the street or if you're in the restroom or while eating or in any class because that is valuable dopamine time.

Another tip is to surround oneself with as many needy, unreliable friends as possible. It helps if they text you constantly and let out their emotions with you daily. Let's hear it again about how they were wronged. Group chats are wonderful, too! Get on as many as possible, and contribute to them. To be innovative, start group chats. People love that.

Mindlessly watching YouTube is a good tactic, too. When in doubt, keep going to the next video. If it's getting boring and you're thinking, "Hey, maybe, I should do that assignment due tomorrow that was assigned three months ago," don't be stupid! Watch more videos. Good ones will come.

If social media, dopamine blasting games, texting your overly needy friends and YouTube aren't working for you, then try binge watching a show, any show — even if you only mildly like it. As you start each new episode, a good mantra is: "OK, this is the last one."

I recommend saying that mantra as much as humanly possible. As the sun comes up, and as you realize you accidentally fell asleep during a 5-second YouTube ad, when you decided you could binge watch some lame show, watch YouTube cat videos, text back your needy "friend," still collect your bonus points in Funky Blast and do your math homework at the same time, be proud of yourself. You officially are an expert procrastinator!

And what separates the true procrastination geniuses from the pretenders is this: They're doing it all again today as they sleepwalk through the day! Yippee!!